revisiting memory. i suddenly miss something but i don't know what. is there anything for me to miss after all? i was flipping my sister's school magazine. is that the reason? i miss my days back in secondary school? in lower sec where i had lots of fun with my seniors and had lots of fun with my juniors when i was in sec 3? in upper sec where i became more active in joining all kinds of events, knowing almost everyone around in school? for creating what they labeled mine as "an improper and scandalous stories" for 2 years? is my life really mundane now? everyday i go to school early in the morning which revolves around people not exceeding 100? then i stay in school for long hours, after tutorial it'll be almost 6 or 7 when i get home. boring bus routines. was i too pampered? having the luxury of driving here and there? i don't hate buses but it really tires me out when i have to carry so much things on board. if you have you own car, you chuck everything behind.
why does my thinking become like a 'da xiao jie' (missy) suddenly?
i used to have a circle of really the best friends whom we all know each other for more than 3 years. there were so many of them that i can fit myself exactly into the right clique with different types of conversations. with charlene and alyssa i talk crap. with kirat we talk english. with menaka we drag all history and humanities events and politics out and make daring prosecutions or throw in suggestions in making this world a better, peaceful place. with cheryl, laliitha, germaine, anisa, shukveen, lulu, yiwen, chiew, li ching, stacey, syieda, ayiem, and yasmin, everything was a joke. the tiniest thing of all can be cracked into a hilarious joke. we constantly move about.
can time move faster? so i can get to know more and more about the people around me?
or poly life is just different. i hate to complain like this. it makes me feel i'm not being fair to the circumstances or situations around me. but i can't help to pour it out.
i used to study a whole lot of subjects. they exposed me to different kind of things. i miss my triple science subjects. i miss my maths. i miss my language classes. i miss everything. i used to study with a schedule. i used to study by memorizing the most amazing facts ever. being able to explain the processes of science, being able to tell the history of a nation, being able to solve equations gave darn hell of satisfaction.
design is not something to memorize. design is to think out of the box. design is to constantly change. but i need more time than i can get. 8 months since i'm doing architecture. i am still like a snail. i love my course. i love what i'm doing. but i love my life where i was able to keep everything on schedule too. my life is in a total upside down. i can't sleep in the wee hours. i can't look at the ceiling without thinking twice. i can't ignore the beams and columns. i can't forget how the texture feels.
this is a major take over in my life. i know i have to walk down this road. it's now or never. it's walk or lay down and be trampled over. what i'm doing is already imported into my personal life. unlike other studies, my feelings affects my life, which affect my thoughts, which affect my emotion which greatly affect each stroke that i draw. i just gotta love more of what i'm doing.
i feel a sense of "un-belonging" suddenly. i think i know what i miss.
